


Young Love

by orphan_account



Category: Speed Skating RPF
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-04-23
Updated: 2010-04-23
Packaged: 2017-10-09 02:45:59
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,558
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/82195
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When JR and Apolo first got together, JR thought he was mature enough to be in a relationship with an older man, thought what they had was good.  In retrospect, he realizes how much his teenaged self was a victim, and starts to work towards healing.</p><p>Angsty, deals with sexual harrassment, and consensual sexual abuse.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Young Love

When JR is 15, he gets to start training in Salt Lake City with the USA International Team. He feels like a total badass, he's the youngest guy there by, like, three or four years. He's a sophomore in high school, they're all graduated, or old enough to have graduated college, but they include him, and act like he's cool. Apolo especially takes him under his wing, and the first few times Apolo calls him just to ask how he's adjusting or sits next to him in the locker room to talk quietly with him and make him feel included, he has a hard time acting cool—when everyone's around all he has to do is smile and laugh and occasionally make a joke, it's different one-on-one with this man he looks up to so much. And knowing Apolo is looking out for him helps his parents relax too, so he gets to live like a real adult, since they don't think Apolo will let him get into trouble. And he won't. Apolo hangs out with him and talks to him about serious things that make JR nod with a slight frown while thinking in his head that this is so fucking cool, Apolo really gets that I'm not a kid and Apolo confides in him one night while that he's gay, but doesn't want people to know yet. It makes JR feel really important, that he's the one Apolo confides in.

 

He's really bummed he doesn't get to go to the Olympics, but he's known for a while. It just makes him feel like such a bay when everyone else gets to go, and he is stuck watching on TV. When they get back they've had all sorts of adventures without him, and something happened with Apolo, a girl, and a gelato shop that they keep talking about, but no one will tell JR the whole story. He doesn't pout, because that seems too childish, but he wants to.

 

Apolo is only around for a little while after the Olympics, before taking some time off. JR misses the way Apolo makes him feel like he fits in. The other guys still kind of treat him like a little brother instead of an equal, and sometimes, like after Jordan asks Travis about his nipple rings and Travis starts to go off on how much this one girl liked it, they kick each other and then give meaningful looks that so obviously mean do you really want to say that in front of JR? and he misses Apolo a lot.

 

He comes back the following fall, and JR feels like a grown up with his own car, and he and Apolo start car pooling since they live in the same building (JR's parents are so happy), and Apolo doesn't wince at his driving the way his Mom does, he just bitches about the music. They get one day off a week, Sunday, and on Saturday night it becomes their ritual to stay up really late and do stuff they can't during the rest of the week—eat junk food, play video games, go to the really late movies (Apolo always says he's JR's older cousin, and that he has permission from JR's parents for the rated R movies). The other guys sometimes give Apolo a little crap about spending his free time with JR—they invite him to go out to a club with them, or offer to set him up with a girl they know—and Apolo always says no. JR knows it's because they all think JR is too young to have any real fun with, that Apolo is going beyond the call of team leadership to hang out with him. They just don't understand him, JR thinks. They haven't bothered to get to know him the way Apolo has, they don't know that he and Apolo talk about real stuff, what they want out of life, and what love is, and stuff like that.

 

In November Apolo and his dad come to the Celkis for Thanksgiving, and Apolo chats with his brothers, while JR offers to help his mom without he asking, because he doesn't live here, and he might only be 16, but he's a guest, and he wants to show them how mature he's gotten away from home. He can over hear Chris and David catching up with Apolo and asking if he's dating anyone. Apolo tells them he's not, but he's got his eye on someone. When JR turns around, Apolo is looking straight at him. Shit.

 

Ever since the night Apolo told JR he was gay, JR has been having rampant fantasies about him, about them. He's not really sure what it would be like, he doesn't really know what all guys do together, so mostly he just imagines Apolo touching him and kissing him, but it's enough to make him come, night after night (and many mornings). So if Apolo likes him, they should handle this like adults.

 

When they get off the plane, they go to the grocery store and make dinner in Apolo's apartment. Pasta carbonara, because it's delicious and fatty and they've already got holiday weight, so they might as well have one more really good meal. While he is grating the parmesan cheese and Apolo is beating the eggs, JR brings it up.

 

"I saw how you looked at me when Chris asked you if you were seeing someone." It's perfect, his voice doesn't break, the right amount of gravity and non-chalance.

 

"How was I looking at you?" Apolo looks up from the eggs.

 

"You told them you had someone in mind, and you looked at me. Am I who you want to date?" His voice sounds as husky as it can, and he swears he can feel tension in the room.

 

Apolo lets go of the whisk and moves a little closer, leaning his hip against the counter. "JR, you know I can't really date you. It's illegal."

 

"That doesn't answer the question." JR pushes the cheese and grater away, and faces Apolo, crossing his arms, but tilting his hips forward. He's hoping to come across, like, 'I want you, but you can't fuck with me.'

 

"Yeah. I want you. I love being around you, I love us being together, but it's not gonna happen." He doesn't move away though.

 

JR licks his lips. "I wouldn't tell anyone. No one would have to know, and if it doesn't work out, no one will know, and if it does, people will just think we're friends, and we could let a few people know after I turn eighteen." It's so obvious and reasonable. If they want each other, and consent, that's all there is to it, right?

 

Apolo reached out and touches the side of JR's face, along the smooth skin of his jaw line and placed his palm flat against JR's chest, over his heart. JR didn't move.

 

"You make it sound easy."

 

"It is easy."

 

"It's crazy."

 

"Don't we both already know that love, hell, life is like that? Don't we both want to be people who don't miss out on anything in life?" JR stands up straighter and Apolo's hand is still firm against his chest. He holds it for a beat then turns away, back to the cheese. "This can be our first date."

 

Apolo huffs out a soft laugh. "Okay then."

 

JR is pretty sure it's the best meal they've ever had, because they sit too close to really be comfortable on the couch, and everything just feels a little stronger, like he won't forget a moment. They wash the dishes together, mostly in silence with some music on in the background. "So first date went well. Any chance I can take you out again sometime?"

 

JR feels like laughing and choking, like this is just perfect, and his life is so good. "Yeah. But only if the goodnight kiss doesn't suck."

 

It doesn't. It's JR's first kiss, and Apolo probably knows it, but he doesn't say anything that would make it awkward, he just pulls JR to him and presses his lips against JR's and when JR jacks off that night he can still taste it.

 

In the next few months JR learns what it is men do in bed together. It's amazing. Apolo gives him blow jobs and teaches him how to give them, and they have sex ("Most people's first times suck" Apolo tells him the morning after they do it the first time and JR wakes up with a stupid grin on his face and wants to do it again "you're lucky you've got me around to care enough to make it really good.") and Apolo jokes that JR is the only 16-year-old in the country who is having a good, regular sex life. Those months are bliss, a whirlwind of great skating, great sex, and Apolo. If the other guys seem more worried than before about the time they spend together, he doesn't care at all.

 

Then Apolo is gone, taking time off to do Dancing With the Stars, and while he and the other guys watch and make fun of him (and then vote for him and tell everyone they know to vote too), and he realizes Julianne is older than him, and Apolo keeps talking about how she seems so young to him, like a sister and he thinks to himself that he doesn't seem so young to Apolo and puffs up a little inside. On all the TV shows, the interviewers ask about Apolo's love life and he tells everyone he's single. JR knows their relationship is a secret, but it stings a bit (except that Apolo calls him every night, tired, and telling him he misses him) and he feels a perverse pleasure every time the interviewers go on to say that it's a pity because Apolo is so attractive, he could have anyone. JR likes that part, knowing that no one else can have Apolo.

 

For his 17th birthday, Apolo goes all out romantic at his apartment, making him steak, and there are flowers and candles and wine and JR gets a little tipsy. Apolo's had plenty of time to learn everything JR likes in bed, and he does it all that night, so when they are lying together, hours later, completely spent, JR is pretty sure he is the luckiest man on earth.

 

"I've been thinking about us."

 

Apolo grunts to let him know he's listening.

 

"Well, next year I turn 18, and I'll be legal. I think in a few months we should start dropping hints that we're interested in each other, and then when I'm 18 we can go out together like a real couple." JR loves the idea. He wants to go out dancing (Apolo has taught him here) and hold hands before the theater lights go down.

 

Apolo turns from his stomach to his side to frown at JR. "Are you not happy like this?"

 

"No! I mean, yes, I'm happy, but this is our secret-illegal dating. I don't want to do this forever."

 

"JR, I commit a felony daily because I love you. I don't want to make people suspicious about us. Can we just wait a while?"

 

"Yeah, I'm not talking about soon. Just…eventually."

 

"Yeah. Well, eventually, let's talk about it again."

 

Apolo rolls over and quickly falls asleep. JR's body is relaxed, blissed out, pleasurably sore, and usually this makes him pass out. He's tired enough that it doesn't take long, but his last waking thought is that he had wanted that conversation to go differently.

 

In the fall, when they have some new skaters training with them, there are some guys just a year older than JR, one just a few months older. It's a culture shock. They are rambunctious and act stupid and JR is uncomfortably aware that he doesn't really fit in with them. They all come ready to like him, but it's quickly clear he doesn't have much in common with them. When felt that way towards Julianne, he felt superior, but he doesn't now. They act like Apolo is their grandfather—they even call him grandpa sometimes—and ask him for advice, but they don't really want to hang out with him. JR goes and hangs out with them one night when Apolo is out of town and they play Guitar Hero and show each other clips on YouTube that they think are funny. Their humor is crass, and he suddenly realizes they are just normal teenagers, and he's….not. It's fun, kind of, but it's just so different from what he's used to. The one upside is that Apolo has started a new INSANE diet, and never eats junk food anymore, so this is the first time he's had potato chips in like a month.

 

He's glad when Apolo comes back, he feels more grounded, like, this is his real life, his adult life, and if those guys think he's lame, well, the older guys always thought that about Apolo too. He wonders if Apolo ever felt that he didn't fit in with them, the way he suddenly feels. He asks and Apolo just shrugs and tells him being with JR is worth it, and JR feels a little bad for bringing it up.

 

The months pass, and he gets into a routine of hanging out with the skaters his age when Apolo is out of town, and sometimes the YouTube videos are funny, and as Apolo's diet goes on, he's even more thankful for the junk food. One night they talk about sex. Well, they always make jokes about sex, but this is for real, and they talk about losing their virginity. One other guy is gay, so JR isn't so worried about that part, but as they tell their stories, awkward (coming right away, and not being sure how to get the girl off), funny (being caught by a night watchman in the back of a truck), sweet (first anniversary, both of their first times), and whatever else, JR realizes his story is different. Firstly, he's still with Apolo, and secondly, all of these stories have a kind of strange innocence (for being stories about not being innocent), rather than the gravity of sex with a man eight years older, who was completely sure, and it was passionate, but not in a 'we've been waiting a year/we are so into each other we have to have sex RIGHT NOW in this truck' kind of way. Finally he just says it was with someone older and it was really good. They seem a little disappointed that he won't give more details, and then they speculate.

 

"Well, you've been around the older guys for a while—did they hook you up with someone really hot?"

 

JR laughs and says no.

 

Simon slyly says "Whatever, we all know that's the real reason JR and Apolo spend so much time together." JR feels like it he weren't brown he would have gone white as a sheet, but he doesn't need to reply because the other guys all think it's hilarious.

 

"Can you imagine? I mean, Apolo is probably good in bed, but that would just be so weird."

 

"Yeah, like, he's 25. People want to fucking get MARRIED at 25.People have KIDS. EURGH, can you imagine?"

 

JR forces himself to laugh with them, and then leaves as quickly as he can.

 

They are going to the Celskis again for Thanksgiving, and JR brings up starting to tell people again. He wants his family to know that they aren't just buddies.

 

"JR, I really don't think it's a good time. I mean, what if it goes badly and they are pissed when we say we're thinking about dating? Then we'll have to spend the rest of the break there awkwardly."

 

"Apolo, it's been a fucking year, and in six months, I'm 18, it's totally cool, and I don't want my family to think this has been going on behind their backs. They don't see me as it is, and I want to share what I can with them."

 

"I know, I know, but I just want to wait. It's too soon."

 

If Apolo won't say yes, there is no point in arguing; he can't exactly tell them by himself without admitting they've been seeing each other for a while.

 

Five days around his family, pretending he and Apolo are just friends, not touching, not kissing, no sex, is hard.

 

While washing dishes with his mom, she asks how he's getting along with the new guys. He shrugs and says they are okay. She asks whether it isn't nice to have some people his age, who he can relate to. He knows it will sound weird if he says he can't relate, he hasn't been with anyone his own age in a while, he doesn't know how to be 17 and a goofball like those other guys, so he lies and says he's just used to the older guys, and it will take a while to have the same bonds that he's had a couple years to develop with the others. From the other room, he hears Apolo having a similar conversation with his brothers, they're asking if he's had more time to do his own thing now that JR doesn't need babysitting, and Apolo telling them he's working on a few things in his extra time, but that he and JR still see a lot of each other, still have the bond. Apolo sounds so casual, and for the first time since he and Apolo became friends he wonders whether he even knows him at all.

 

The night they get back, their sort-of one year anniversary, JR attacks Apolo, and the sex is rough and desperate and Apolo seems a little taken aback, and if he knows JR is lying when he tells him he just really missed him, he doesn't say anything.

 

The season goes really well for them both, Apolo is really hitting his peak, and JR has probably finally hit his full height, even though he hasn't quite filled out; he still has the slimness of youth. It makes it easier to get used to his legs, this is the length they are going to stay, and it helps him to know he won't have to adjust his skating again. His 18th birthday is coming up, and neither he nor Apolo have brought anything up about what they are doing. Last year he had imagined that this was when they would be so happy about finally being a couple in front of people, no more hiding, no more stress for Apolo, they could hang out with their teammates together (JR thinks back to the sex conversation and reconsiders that part), they could go away on vacation together and no one would think it was weird. Apolo gets more closed off at the beginning of the summer, and JR wonders if this is the reason. When they started dating, his 18th birthday had sounded like freedom. Now it felt like a trap closing.

 

When Apolo tells him he's going to make him dinner again, he says it's because he likes the idea of making it a tradition, them having dinner alone, and the food is delicious, and again, Apolo has spared no romantic gesture, and his present is a new sound system for his apartment, which is way too much, but JR still wishes they had gone out. He jokes over dinner that they should have sex on the balcony, just because it's legal, and Apolo's laugh sounds forced.

 

And again, Apolo goes above and beyond to make the night really memorable, but they don't talk about going public, and it feels heavy.

 

When they have breakfast the next morning JR looks up.

 

"Apolo, are we serious?"

 

"We've been together for over a year JR, I would call that serious."

 

"Like, 'we should talk about marriage and kids' serious?"

 

"Um, we can't get married or have kids."

 

"Fuck, Apolo, you know what I mean. Are we just going to be like this forever? Friends who have sex and don't tell anyone?"

 

JR is leaning forward and when Apolo looks up he sees the answer in his eyes. He walks out without saying anything.

 

He gets a tattoo. He's 18, he can get a tattoo, so he does. He has no fucking clue where he's going, so the tattoo is about where he came from, a combination of the flags of Poland and the Philippines, spread out on his chest. It hurts his skin some, but there is a deeper pain underneath the ink.

 

Apolo doesn't apologize, doesn't say anything, and JR doesn't say anything either. He wonders if he's acting like a child. Then he thinks of the years he's spent pretending to be a grown up for Apolo, and thinks he deserves it. He starts hanging out with the other guys more, gets pretty good on the drums for Rock Band. He learns how to be a teenager, a little. He's not very good at it. He's good at being old. Sometimes too good, and without Apolo around, he doesn't feel a little older and cooler, he just feels old.

 

Apolo and Yuki don't come to Thanksgiving. When his mom asks how he's going, he tells her about Rock Band, and the stupid videos of Simon that Jordan put on facebook. She smiles and says it's good he's having fun, she was worried about how serious he seemed all the time. He shows Chris and David a video of a guy crying about some library closing, and they laugh and imitate it. They don't really ask about Apolo, and JR is a little bitter about it. Of course they don't ask, they just think he's a friend who mentored JR for a couple years and is letting him spread his wings on his own.

 

The season is so busy, it's a blur, but for the first time in years he decides to spend the summer in Seattle and he meets a guy at a show, he's 21 and makes jokes about robbing the cradle. JR doesn't think they are funny, but the guy is nice, and they have a little summer fling. It's liberating and different, and totally different. They hold hands and go to concerts where they dance together, and when he sees JR naked for the first time, he's obsessed with his thighs and ass, can't believe the muscles. It makes JR a little uncomfortable; he's never thought about it, and when Jake takes his pants off, JR suddenly realizes the differences, how Jake is just skinny, and JR is skinny with enormous thighs. They don't really talk about life and love and truth. They talk about their favorite bands, they analyze Nick Hornby books together, they just are. JR wonders if this is what it feels like to be a teenager or what it feels like to be an adult. Being with Jake makes him realize he hasn't the slightest clue how to just be, he's been trying so hard to fit in with Apolo, because Apolo has been all he's had, that he just…has only been Apolo's secret boyfriend. He's never been JR. At least, not in five years.

 

For his 19th birthday they go to a nice dinner, at a restaurant JR has heard Apolo rave about, and halfway through dinner, Jake leans across the table and tells him he sees Apolo. He sounds excited; JR forgets Apolo is famous. He knows JR must know him and asks if they can say hi. JR would rather pull out several teeth, but he can't refuse without a good excuse, and the truth isn't a good excuse. So when they leave, he leads Jake, their hands loosely knit together, over to where Apolo is having dinner with some girl.

 

He psychs himself up to stay casual "Hey Apolo, haven't seen you in a while."

 

Apolo turns to look up at him, and his eyes are so liquid when they go wide in surprise, and he's in a suit, and he looks SO GOOD, that JR feels his entire body tighten.

 

"JR! Good to see you man. Uh, happy birthday, it's today, right?"

 

JR wants to hit him for that, rage welling up, like a year ago Apolo hadn't told him they were going to keep the tradition of a home-cooked meal, and flowers and incredible sex. He doesn't realize he's clenching Jake's hand until Jake lets go and introduces himself.

 

"Hi, I'm Jake, JR boyfriend. I wanted to come say hello, I'm a fan."

 

Apolo's face gets the public look, and he introduces the girl, someone he's thinking about writing a book with, after the Olympics, but when he takes JR's hand to say good bye, he breaks character and for a second JR thinks maybe Apolo hates this as much as he does.

 

He and Jake break up at the end of the summer, they don't really plan to stay in touch, but occasionally he gets e-mails about a band coming to SLC that Jake thinks he would like.

 

Then the Olympic Trials. In time trials, he beats Apolo, not just beats him, beats both of their best times, and Apolo smiles and congratulates him, but JR hasn't known him for years to be fooled by this. JR feels like his entire life has been vindicated. It's great.

 

Then, while he's still on the high, the accident happens. His skate slices through Kevlar, skin, muscle, tendon, like so much butter. He's never hurt so badly in his life, and the feel of the blade going in is nothing to how it feels to pull it out.

 

Apolo is at the hospital when he wakes up. He looks like shit, and he's wearing the warm ups JR saw him in before the race, so he knows he must have come straight to the hospital and not left.

 

It's another day before they are alone together.

 

"JR. I'm sorry. We had something good, and I ruined it. I wasn't ready to be public. I don't know if I'll ever be ready. But, I would like to try again."

 

JR is in so much pain, and he's missed the comfort of Apolo. He nods, and Apolo takes his hand. He doesn't let go when his dad comes back.

 

The next months are…okay. Apolo is the same. He sticks to his awful diet, he watches movies, he dances in his living room with JR (his physical therapist seemed confused when he asked about dancing, but said it was ok), they have great sex. But JR is different. He wants to try new restaurants and go to the shows Jake e-mails him about, if he can. Travis goes to hear the bands with him, he's into hipster stuff too. Simon goes out to eat with him. If it's a Thai place, Apolo will try it. Being with Apolo is comfortable, it's familiar, but he realizes it's also a little confining. Apolo doesn't understand why JR wants to try topping (Apolo refuses), wants to dance at actual clubs (they can't go any 21+ places, and Apolo likes his music), wants something different, when they used to be happy. JR feels like a hermit crab, who got into a shell that was way too big for him, and dragged it around and dragged it around, and it's taken a long time to outgrow, but maybe he has. He's been dragging around the needs to act like a grown up, and now he's actually growing up.

 

They have a good time at the Olympics, but Apolo is retiring from competition after, moving back to Seattle, and JR has years and years of skating left. When they decide to break up, it doesn't feel awful this time, it feels okay. It feels like an adult end to an adult relationship.

 

It feels okay for years, in fact, to the point where he doesn't even think about Apolo much, he dates other people, sees Apolo on TV every now and again, and doesn't react.

 

Until he's 23.

 

He's not the oldest guy on the team, but he's been around the longest—eight fucking years, and they are looking forward to getting some new blood on the team before Sochi, and there's a young guy coming to train that's really good. He's young, barely old enough for Sochi, but barely is as good as a mile, and JR has seen the tapes and is excited. They haven't even met him yet, but the comparisons to JR are inevitable; almost the same age as when JR started, got excited when he saw the story about JR and his recovery and medaling in Vancouver, and JR doesn't really think too much about the parallels between Apolo and him and him and this Chris kid. Until the kid walks in.

 

JR remembers being 15. Remembers being at the rink, and being so grown-up about it, and Apolo taking him seriously. He remembers it that way. So seeing this kid, who is painfully young looking, trying so hard to not act like he's about to wet himself meeting JR, like he meets his heroes everyday that after JR welcomes him, he goes straight to the bathroom and pukes until nothing but yellow bile he didn't even know existed is all he can retch up.

 

Fuck.

 

He thinks of his first meeting with Apolo on the ice, and suddenly he sees it as it was; he was petrified, Apolo knew it and didn't tell him to be himself and relax, he just…let him keep up the painful façade of being old enough to handle it. He wonders how Apolo could have let him be that obviously transparent.

 

He was never old enough. The toilet seat feels cool against his cheek, like the only thing keeping him connected. Suddenly, his entire life feels like a lie. He thinks about how he hated the other guys treating him like a kid, and loved Apolo treating him like an adult. The other guys patronizing suddenly makes more sense, the way Travis would act like a dick and then check in on him, ask about what he ate and how much he slept, and how he would roll his eyes that Travis thought he couldn't take care of himself. How had he thought he could take care of himself at all?

 

Only now, with that kid's bright face in his mind, he sees how Travis and Jordan just didn't want to ruin things for him, wanted him to discover things and let his life unfold, didn't think he should be worrying about dealing with stuff on his own at 15, and how Apolo, fuck, how Apolo had dictated his life. How Apolo had simply immersed JR in his life, so that JR just picked up his eating and sleeping patterns (did he even really LIKE Thai food?) and just became a part of Apolo instead of learning how to be himself, with support from others.

 

God, and their relationship. How had he thought that talk in the kitchen was real, how had he thought that was sincere? In his memories he sounds so stilted, his moves seem too pushy, and he sees how Apolo knew all along what was happening, that he had wanted JR to initiate it, had wanted JR to feel like it was his idea. How Apolo had manipulated him, and he hadn't seen it—fuck, how could he have seen it? How until this moment, he'd never even considered the arrogance he had had to assume all these years that he and Apolo had been right when the rest of the world had said their relationship was something wrong. It had been all kinds of wrong.

 

He started dry-heaving. That boy was a child. He had been a child. Apolo had taken that. So what if he had thought the sex was good? Apolo had said he was lucky. LUCKY to be dating someone almost a decade older, when he couldn't even vote, couldn't go to rated R movies, couldn't get a tattoo. He had missed being normal, learning to date with someone his own age, learning to give and take, instead of just….fall into some kind of sick, secret relationship where in exchange for learning who he was and being a stupid kid, he had gotten to try to be someone Apolo wanted, and to like what Apolo liked. No wonder he hadn't been able to get to know the guys his age until years later. They had all been teenagers trying to figure out what they thought was fun and funny and what they loved and what they wanted in life, while JR had felt cool talking about those things with Apolo.

 

He doesn't know if he'll be able to deal with this kid reminding him of this everyday.

 

When he finally goes back to the rink, practice is going, and the coach pulls him aside.

 

"Celski, I don't know what that was about, but this kid needs someone, he's young. Apolo helped you, I don't want any bullshit towards him, and running away when you meet someone is pathetic."

 

JR wants to laugh and scream, but instead he just skates, trying to get through this practice so he can go lay in the fetal position and try to make sense of his life. But the coach shoots him a dirty look at the end of practice when they go into the locker room, and Chris and the other guys are in there.

 

JR takes a deep breath once he's gotten his street clothes on and goes to where Chris is putting stuff in his brand-new locker.

 

"Um, sorry I didn't make such a great first impression." He starts.

 

Chris turns to look at him, and shrugs, like he's totally cool, JR doesn't matter to him, when an hour ago he was vibrating with excitement. JR wants to cry. "Hey, no big deal, it's just cool to be here and skating, you know?"

 

"Yeah. Yeah. Well, it's really a privilege, we both know that. But, um, don't feel like you have to be anything you're not here. You're a great skater, we already know that, and we'll respect you for it, you don't have to do anything to earn that except keep working hard."

 

Chris nods. "I will. Definitely."

 

"And…just make sure you do stuff that you love from home, instead of just doing whatever we do. If you like music, or movies, or photography, whatever….keep doing it. Keep being the you that came here. That sounds so lame, I know, but…yeah. Just keep being yourself."

 

Chris nods again, and before he can say anything else, JR leaves.

 

He's not even sure Apolo still has the same number, but he calls it, and Apolo picks up.

 

"This is Apolo Ohno, who's this?" Apolo didn't keep his number, and JR knows it's weird that he has—he's gone through three phones that he put the number in and never called it.

 

"It's JR."

 

"Oh. Wow. Wow. Dude, what's going on, I didn't even recognize your voice." Apolo sounds so normal, like life is normal.

 

"A kid walked into the rink today. Fifteen. Eight years younger than me. Just like us."

 

"And…you wanted to reminisce? Dude, you don't sound good."

 

"Of course I don't, you fucking asshole!" it felt good to scream. "That boy is a child! He was thrilled to meet me, and trying so hard to play it off, like he was such an adult, but he's not. I wasn't either. I was a kid. A FUCKING KID, APOLO."

 

There is a moment of silence on the other line, and JR wonders if he'll just hang up.

 

Apolo's reply is quiet. "Don't act like you didn't want it."

 

"How the fuck could I know what I wanted? I was a horny, lonely teenager! Oh my God! You make me sick. You set me up, to FUCKING FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU. You manipulated me! When I was just a kid! I didn't even get to be a kid! God, the other guys were right, you shouldn't have spent time with me, and no wonder I didn't know how to get along with the guys my age, you fucking fucked me up!" JR didn't care if he was making sense, this was just all needing to come out. "I never learned to be myself, I didn't get to fall in love with someone who was also falling in love for the first time and who couldn't figure anything out either, who was trying to learn how to be a grown up! THREE AND A HALF YEARS APOLO."

All of their relationship had felt like scenes from a movie playing out, sometimes JR had pictured it that way, how they would look in a montage of happy-May-September (fuck, February-November) romance, how he felt like he was in those scenes of happiness. Even their fights sometimes felt that way, tragic but bound to be beautiful. This was different--raw, ugly, unscripted, and far too real for anyone to want to watch or see without flinching away from it.

 

"I gave you what you wanted. You were happy, mostly. And it's over. Good bye JR."

 

He really did hang up, and the worst part was that he was still right. They both were. JR had wanted it all so badly, had wanted Apolo and adulthood, and something that felt real, and Apolo had made that happen. He had once loved Apolo for that, for making his childhood dreams come true. Now it felt more like hatred. Then he curled in the fetal position, and though it would be romantic to say he laid and thought it over, he was too exhausted, and fell asleep with the salt of his nervous sweat and tears drying on his face.

 

He still had to get up and go to the rink the next day and skate with Jeremy, Simon, and Chris. Obviously Chris barely knew him, and Jeremy had been around a couple years, but for all of Simon's spacy-ness, he knew JR and so JR avoided talking to him, even though he could see Simon's curiosity. He refused to think about Apolo, just skated and skated, pushing himself harder than was really healthy, but every once in a while it felt good to skate until not only his legs burned but his lungs, his heart, the tendons in his neck were screaming at him.

 

That works for a few days, but really he can't keep it up without risking injury and he loves skating and wants the Olympics more than he loves self-pity and wants to be a tragic hero or something. But not working himself to exhaustion means that he has to deal with all this shitty self-realization stuff everyday. Seeing Chris sleepy and tousled on the mornings he picks him up for practice (they are taking turns until Chris' birthday) he thinks of all the times he and Apolo drove to practice together before they really got together and their serious early morning conversations (what had they even been about?) made him feel like they shared something important. JR just let Chris think he wasn't much of a morning person and JR usually played his most quiet and soulful indie music, so that Chris usually spent most of the drive half-asleep. It was better than having to talk, but the seeing Chris curled up on the passenger side, trusting JR to get him to practice on time, to wake him up, fuck, trusting JR to be trustworthy was always a little painful.

 

He feels bad that he can't bring himself to be very friendly to Chris, so instead he is thoughtful. He knows the kid likes the outdoors, so he finds a high school hiking and camping club to join, and when he hears him telling Jeremy about his new friends, he feels like maybe he can help Chris be normal teenager. And as the weeks pass, and Chris seems to stop trying to fit in with them because he doesn't have anyone else, and starts to grow into his dual life of stupid teenager and serious athlete, some part of JR relaxes, like he has averted a crisis, like every time he drops Chris off at a movie theater to see some PG-13 movie with his little friends, he's helping him build a shield, warding off early-onset-adulthood.

 

Now, at night, when he can't sleep, he goes back through the memories of Apolo that the day inevitably brings up. Apolo had a thing for horror movies, and they always used Netflix since JR couldn't see anything 'good' in the theater. Apolo would chuckle when JR got a little freaked out, and JR never told him that when he slept restlessly that night, it was because he had bad dreams of hiding in dumpsters and being chased by zombies and would wake up with his heart racing.

 

Once, when he was younger, his mom had ordered some plates from a catalogue and they had arrived broken, the packaging not enough to withstand being thrown around by delivery guys. It had kind of fascinated JR, a box that looks whole and sturdy on the outside, but then when he shook it, even gently, could hear the broken pieces grating against each other, the shards clinking together. He felt a little like that now, like the stuff inside him was shattered the day he met Chris, and everyday shook him so that a new broken piece was heard and remembered. His mom had thrown the box away, declaring that it couldn't be repaired and got a refund. He was pretty sure that wouldn't work for him.

 

He feels like he's coping pretty well for someone who had to re-evaluate the last ten years of his life until one day he turned a corner in the hall from the weight room to the locker room and sees one of the assistant coaches, Angela, talking to Chris. He had known her a little when she was a skater, before an injury sidelined her. She was a year or so younger than him. And she was obviously flirting with Chris, hips tilted towards him, tossing her hair while she laughed at something. Standing too close to him. JR snapped and started screaming at her to get away from him, that she was harassing Chris, who had turned bright red. The commotion brings Jeremy from the locker room and Jimmy from his office. Jeremy tries to calm him down, and Jimmy asks Angela and Chris what happened.

 

Angela ends up getting fired, and JR knows he over-reacted, because she might have just been teasing Chris for having a bit of a crush (God knows a lot of the guys thought she was hot) but he just hadn't been able to handle it, seeing that split second of Chris trying not to act nervous and Angela trying to make him a little more uncomfortable. Chris doesn't speak to him for a week, and Simon takes over his days picking Chris up.

 

It's after this incident that JR decides to see a therapist, because he's spent most of his life thinking he could handle things himself, on his own, that he was grown-up enough to handle his own life. The past few months have really fucked with his confidence on handling anything other than going fast in a circle, and his outburst makes him think maybe he needs some help. He asks his sports psychologist to recommend someone, and she doesn't ask questions, but sets up an appointment for him with a guy just a little older than JR with kind eyes and a mild manner. He isn't really sure how to start, so he just tells him that he recently realized that he had been in a really fucked up relationship without knowing it and isn't sure how to get over it. The guy nods but obviously wants him to say more. He isn't sure he even wants to say Apolo's name, although anyone who caught even the barest minimum of Olympic coverage would be able to put it together. Finally Tim (JR kind of wants to call him Dr. Whatever, but apparently he likes informality) just tells him that recognizing there is something to be dealt with is an important step, and if all JR wants is someone to know he's going through a rough time, they can talk about other things until he's ready to talk about this. For some reason knowing the guy won't force him to talk about Apolo gives him the push to actually talk about Apolo, and it all comes out in a confused rush—how great their relationship was, how lucky he felt, how fucked up he feels now, how seeing Chris daily screws with his head, how he screamed at Apolo, how worried he is he won't ever be able to be himself because he doesn't know how, how exhausting it is to be so sad about something that happened years ago. Tim jots things down occasionally, but mostly just sits there while JR plays with the knick-knacks on the table between them. JR had expected more "and how does that make you feel?" crap, but this is good.

 

Getting it all out feels even better than he expected, and he ends the story by telling Tim he just wants to understand what really happened, and understand how it is still affecting him so he can live his life without feeling like a box of broken plates. Tim suggests he start journaling, and trying to separate the memories where he feels lied and used from the ones that were genuinely good, and that he try something he's never done before but always wanted to. Get a hobby that gives him a clean slate.

 

He buys a journal and a nice digital camera and starts using both.

 

At first Simon jokes he's going to turn into Jordan, constantly documenting everything they do, but it quickly becomes clear that JR's interest in photography is not in capturing everything they do, but in understanding and seeing the world around him differently. He doesn't show the guys his pictures much, occasionally printing one out and leaving it in their lockers if he thinks they'll like it. Someone mentions it in an interview, and Canon offers him a sponsorship if he uses their camera and posts a few behind the scenes pictures on their website.

 

He still thinks about Apolo and it's still hard, but things with Chris are getting better, now that JR isn't silently rage filled all the time he's around. They even manage to have real conversations. JR snorts a little at his definition of real. He used to think it meant important, like talking could solve the problems of the world. Now real means listening to Chris and Jeremy debate which X-Men they are most like. It's dumb, but it's what they are really thinking about, and he wonders if he's ever invested as much earnestness in any conversation as they are over whether he should be Wolverine because of his healing abilities or whether his goody-goody nature is more Cyclops. They finally settle on a truce that no matter what, JR needs a Jean Grey in his life, whatever that means.

 

He feels like maybe he's opened the box and started sorting out the pieces, figuring out which ones go with which plate, and maybe eventually they can be glued back together when he finds out that amid the many upcoming photo shoots someone had the genius idea of getting Apolo, he, and Chris to do some kind of 'passing the torch' bullshit shoot, and JR can't get out of it, despite the fact that the idea of seeing Apolo makes him ill. He and Tim talk through exactly what worries him and whether or not the fear is rational. He doesn't want Apolo to hurt him again—unlikely to happen. He doesn't want Apolo to do or say anything to Chris that will make him flip out—also probably unlikely, given that Apolo is probably aware how pissed off JR is. He doesn't want to be attracted to Apolo—not really something he can control, so if it happens, just think of it as biological, and try not to hate himself for it. After they've exhausted the possibilities, Tim smiles and tells him that maybe none of this will happen, and no matter what this is an opportunity for healing.

 

He and Chris drive together to the shoot, and JR wonders if the tension and anxiety he feels are obvious.

 

They are quiet for a while, Chris fiddling with the music (Apolo and JR had finally agreed that passenger gets music choice, albeit the choice can be to defer to the driver, and the rule stands) and JR trying not to freak out.

 

Finally Chris breaks the silence. "So are you excited to see Apolo? The TV always made you guys seem inseparable."

 

JR isn't really sure how to explain this. "Um. We haven't seen each other in years, so, uh, it will be different seeing him again. We're not really close. Excited might not be the right word."

 

"Oh. Does that mean you're nervous? Simon said it might be weird for you and to make sure you're okay. I'm a little nervous. I mean. Apolo is a legend."

 

JR doesn't want to deal with Apolo-worship or explaining his nerves, so he latches onto Simon. "Simon needs to keep his opinions to himself. I swear, sometimes I think he's a genius and sometimes I think that genius is like an idiot-savant."

 

Chris laughs and doesn't push it.

 

When they arrive, Apolo is already there. He looks good, dressed sharply, and JR feels even younger and grubbier wearing jeans and layered t-shirts. He looks more proportional than he did when he was racing, less thigh and more upper body. JR can't stop himself from noticing he still has a nice ass. He says hello politely to JR, then turns on the mega-watt grin for Chris, shaking his hand, and patting him on the back.

 

"So you're the kid JR told me about, I've been watching your season and you're a really gutsy skater, breaking early, that's ballsy, thinking you can hold off the pack." He tells him leading him off to the studio where the pictures are being taken. JR shrugs his shoulders some. He can handle this.

 

For the most part, the awkwardness is minimal for most of the day. They put them in speed suits, and it's hard not to stare at how much Apolo's body has changed, but he poses with them in racing position fine, and poses with his skates, and when they break for lunch, they make small talk. Chris asks JR if he has his camera, and Apolo asks if he's turning into Jordan.

 

"No, that's what Simon thought too, but JR's pictures are more arty. Like we all see what's in front of us, we all see the world, but JR takes pictures that tell us more about it, he shows things we don't know are true." JR is more than a little surprised that Chris has even given this a lot of thought. "Like, the portraits especially. We all think of Jeremy as being a clown and wanting to prank us, but in JR's pictures you can see how he brings that to the ice too, that same desire to be a little devious and surprise people makes him an unpredictable skater. They're really good." Then, like he hasn't just shocked JR, he digs back into his salad.

 

Apolo looks at him questioningly.

 

"I did bring it, but obviously I haven't really taken any pictures. Maybe I will when I'm not in them anymore." JR says.

 

And he does. The morning was dedicated to group poses, but now they are doing individual shoots, and then pairs--Chris and JR, Apolo and Chris, and finally Apolo and JR—so JR takes the time to photograph Chris and Apolo. He's a little surprised by what he sees. Chris he sees and shoots all the time, and is used to what he finds through the lens—a lot of determination to get things right, focus, and then the unguarded childish moments. It's Apolo he's surprised by. In his mind, Apolo is always strong and in control of himself, confident to the point of being stupidly stubborn, ridiculously upbeat. But this Apolo seems, not relaxed, but less sure of himself, letting himself be guided into the positions they want instead of just striking the pose he wants, and underneath his cheerfulness and positivity, he looks tired, not so much physically, but just like he doesn't really want to be here doing this as much as he claims he is. JR saves the pictures, frowning, before it's their turn to be photographed together.

 

They sit on the set while the lighting crew adjusts everything around them. JR doesn't really want to talk, he doesn't have anything to say anymore.

 

"Are you still mad at me?" Apolo finally asks quietly. This morning, JR would have thought he was saying it just so he could feel validated in his behavior, but having seen Apolo be, well, a little more human, he thinks maybe it does matter to him that JR was so upset.

 

"Sometimes. Sometimes I'm mad at me. Or Jimmy for not knowing what was going on. At Travis and Jordan for not trying to do something when we both know they had serious suspicions about us. At my family for loving you. I've basically been mad at everyone I know in turn. I'm a little angry-ed out." He says it conversationally, lightly, with none of the inflection and drama he might once have emoted. He's a little wrung out on all that.

 

Apolo looks surprised by his honesty. "Well. Um. When you called. I hadn't really thought about us in a long time." He paused like he wasn't sure how to explain himself, or if he wanted to explain himself. "The years between Torino and Vancouver…it's kind of a blur, really. I was so focused on me, on making my world all about everything being perfect for me, making sure my diet was optimal, my workouts were optimal, making sure everything fit my specifications." He trailed off before continuing even more quietly. "Maybe I tried to make you fit my needs too, without thinking about you as a person. Just someone who was there and wanted me and helped me be better. I don't even know. They have that dumb saying about how hurt people hurt people, and that probably wasn't my best time, and I guess you got dragged into it. I dragged you in. Later, when I had time to process, I thought how bizarre our whole thing was, and I thought maybe I screwed up, but you never seemed screwed up, so I thought, maybe not, maybe it was fine, we were good together. I mean. It's been years, and you always acted like you just moved on."

 

JR doesn't really know how to respond to this sudden and slightly searing honesty so he just nods once and they sit quietly until the director of the shoot starts ordering them around. Apolo shakes his hand good bye, pats Chris on the back, and then they begin the drive back home. JR is tired and hopes Chris will fall asleep so he can think about his conversation with Apolo.

 

Chris decides to keep surprising him.

 

"So you and Apolo are exes, aren't you?" He more like he's confirming it than questioning, and JR figures the way he almost swerves off the road is answer enough, but Chris is looking at him like he wants an answer.

 

"Um. Yes. We were together for a while." He isn't really able to say I thought it was what I wanted or until I met you I thought it was a great memory. He barely was able to tell his therapist this, he does NOT want to tell Chris about his trauma and issues. Chris either doesn't pick up the hint or doesn't care because he just continues.

 

"I had heard some rumors about how close you guys were, and then Simon seemed worried about you seeing him—" how had Simon known all this? "—and then when I was just with Apolo he was trying to ask about you casually but he was obviously pretty interested in how you were, how you treated me, whether or not you were seeing anyone, and when I told him that sometimes you could be way over protective and had this whole 'Chris is a kid, let him be a kid' thing going on, instead of laughing like most people do about how serious you can be, he looked really sad."

 

JR couldn't think of how to respond so he just didn't.

 

"And he kept looking at you like you were fragile or something, even though you could probably beat him up, and you didn't want to touch him, and I thought about how you flipped out about Angela, and it kind of made sense."

 

He blushed and was glad his Fil-Am complexion made it less obvious. God he apparently was still as transparent as he had been at 15. Chris seemed to have finished his exposition, so they drove for a while listening to the 70s rock Chris inexplicably liked.

 

"I never thanked you for that." Chris suddenly says, and JR spares a questioning glance away from the road at him.

 

"About Angela. You were kind of right. She had kind of teased me a few times about liking her, but then she started acting like she might actually be interested in me, and I didn't know what to do. I really thought I liked her, but it was scary too. And no one noticed and I didn't think I could say anything without upsetting someone. I was angry that you blew it all out of proportion, but later I was kind of glad you came along when you did. So thanks."

 

JR feels like he's lost his ability to use words today, is reduced to looks and gestures, so he just nods again, and feels a lump in his throat. Chris has gone on a few dates with his friend Matt's sister, and she has come by the rink with Matt a few times, all of which meant the other guys teased Chris until JR wasn't sure he was going to be able to keep skating what with awkward teenage embarrassment. That was the relationship that might work, and he was glad he had intervened. He certainly hadn't been in any kind of real relationship himself since Apolo., which might really mean he never had been in a decent relationship.

 

Eventually Chris does fall asleep and JR still has a lot to think about, from conversations with both the other skaters. Apolo's awkward pseudo-apology (not a situation he and Tim had gone over), the realization that the Apolo he remembered might not be any more real than the relationship he had remembered. As if his life and memory weren't complicated enough.

 

After dropping Chris off, he goes home and pulls up the pictures he took on his computer. He spends more time than is probably healthy analyzing the ones of Apolo, bringing his fingers to the screen to ghost over the still-familiar features. He rubs his face with his hand. He wonders what Tim will think about this.

 

Tim thinks it's probably healthy for him to recognize that he was a victim and he was hurt but to also see that Apolo wasn't and isn't a monster. That they are just both broken people, and that JR is taking steps to heal. He brings the pictures with him, and it's weird to have Apolo's face in front of him while he's talking to Tim about them, but he needed to explain it and he needed the pictures to explain.

 

Training picks up hardcore in December and now he is throwing himself into training not to get Apolo out of his head but because he has no choice. He knows this is probably his peak season, and he wants to make the most of it. Races in January go well, and before they know it, they are all getting packed up for Russia.

 

A few nights before he is scheduled to fly out, Apolo calls him. He debates not answering, but he doesn't really have a reason not to answer other than that it feels like a small controlling victory. He doesn't want to be that petty, so he answers.

 

"Hello?"

 

"Oh. Hi JR. I wasn't sure if you would let me go to voicemail or not." Apolo sounds caught off-guard.

 

"Well, here I am. What's up?"

 

"Um. NBC asked me to commentate and interview for speed skating, and so I'm leaving for Sochi in a few days."

 

JR isn't really sure why Apolo felt the need to tell him something he would probably find out in his press packet.

 

"Okay. So I'll see you there?"

 

Apolo sighs on the other end of the line (or the data stream…how are cell phones connected anyway?) and continued "I just…I know seeing me was weird in November, and I want you to skate well and I want to do my job well, and I just wanted to make sure that would be possible for both of us if we're at the rink together."

 

Oh. This was different. JR kind of felt like either hugging his phone or crushing it, because NOW Apolo was trying to think of what was best for JR. He settles for a laugh-choke-sob.

 

"Um, yeah. I think I can handle you being around while I skate, and I think I can play nice with the camera."

 

There is another pause and JR can picture Apolo fiddling with his hair, furrowing his brow, concentrating on how to get this conversation right.

 

"Well. If you don't want to be interviewed alone, or you don't want to be around me….I guess I would understand that. And if I didn't I would still respect it. So just let me know."

 

Again, it seems surreal that Apolo is telling JR this so he can make the decision. And that is weird too, because Apolo hates letting other people make decisions that involve him, hates not being the one in charge or in control. But JR thinks back to the photo shoot and Apolo patiently letting the photographer position him, and wonders if Apolo really was a little messed up when they were together, really was even more of a psycho-control freak in those years.

 

"I think it will be fine. I mean, hopefully, I'll be more focused on winning than on dealing with you."

 

Apolo laughs, probably simply out of relief.

 

"Okay. Well, I'll see you in Sochi."

 

"Yeah, see you." He's about to hang up when Apolo starts to speak again.

 

"Um, one last thing."

 

"Yeah?"

 

"Simon told me about how you got that coach fired for hitting on Chris."

 

JR's heart freezes up some. Apolo's probably going to call him a fucking hypocrite.

 

"Um. You're a good man for that. Better than me. You wanted what was best for that kid when you could have just ignored it. I let you down. I was supposed to do that for you. And I didn't."

 

He hangs up before JR can reply.

Being back at the games is weird. It's exciting and intense, and fun, but JR's focus is different than Vancouver. Sure he had wanted to do his best then, was pissed at his mistakes, but he was there to compete at the highest level. He's here to win.

 

He's in five events, three individual, two relay. So with the qualifying rounds and semis and everything else, he has a busy schedule. Too busy to think about Apolo until he's there at the semis of the 500m, looking pressed, polished, and styled. It's not his best event, but he is one of the best skaters in the world, so he could definitely bag it in the field he's up against. Apolo interviews him and Chris, who also is in the final, after semis, kind of grinning that he is the one asking the same questions they always got asked together, before. JR is polite, gives sound bites about working hard, staying focused, thinking the team is strong before he and Chris go to the locker room. Apolo grabs his wrist lightly to stop him, and JR flashes back to Vancouver, Apolo passing him on his way to the locker room while JR was giving an interview, giving him a quick hug in that way he had of always acting like he had some special claim to JR's body. Apolo seems to realize the touch was a little out of line and lets go as soon as JR tenses. He takes a step back for good measure.

 

"I was just going to say to watch out for the Japanese guy, he's skating a little dirty, and you might be ahead kicking his ass, but Chris will probably be in the crush."

 

JR is surprised he didn't notice this on the replay, but Apolo has always had a knack for knowing who would try to pull shit in big races, so he thanks him, and tells Chris in the locker room.

 

In the finals, JR wins, and Chris gets bronze after avoiding a three man pile-up caused by the Japanese skater Apolo had pointed out. It's Chris' first medal, and Chris grabs his hand and they spin around, high on victory, gasping for breath between cheering for themselves, for each other. It reminds him of his first medal, a bronze, and how Apolo had picked him up and twirled him around. For once, the memory is purely good, they really were that happy for each other, that excited. When they do the interview afterwards, JR is so happy he even mentions it, telling the camera that your first medal is a really big deal, and how getting to share this with Chris is really special, and he has fond memories of Apolo when he won his first medal. Apolo smiles for the camera at that, but there is uncertainty in his eyes when he looks at JR.

 

He lets Chris talk, so he's not really paying attention but when JR zones back in, Apolo is asking Chris what it's like being so young and moving to SLC to train.

 

"Well, I'm the youngest by a few years, so the other guys kind of treat me like their little brother. And JR was really sensitive to my being so young and helped me make friends my age, most of the guys have non-skating friends, that's what we need to stay sane, and JR made sure I had that too." Chris says it guilelessly, but the expression on Apolo's face makes JR think that maybe it's a calculated 'Fuck you' to Apolo on his behalf. When Chris turns to him and says too brightly "Thanks JR!" he's sure that's what it is meant to be. It's kind of sweet, kind of horribly hilarious, really misplaced at this point, but JR just gives the camera his 'aw shucks' look, and they go off to the locker room.

 

While they are changing JR says, "Chris, look, I appreciate that you want to be all Team JR or whatever, but I promise I can handle myself. Don't let my crap worry you, go explore the Village and enjoy yourself and show off your medal or something." Chris looks suitably contrite, agrees to not drink (they aren't sure what the drinking age is here, but apparently everyone thinks Chris is old enough and are always trying to force vodka on him), and goes off to do press and rest until the first relay.

 

He has an e-mail from Tim that night, saying that he has been watching, and it looks like everything is going well, and that he is dealing with Apolo really well. He ends by saying to be careful, but that JR has come a long way, and should trust his own ability to make decisions. JR mentally imagines the pieces of his life and past being glued together again; the glue is setting, the bond isn't firm yet, but the pieces are coming back into something whole.

 

His next race is the 1000m, which is Chris' best event. JR isn't really feeling it in his semis and isn't all that surprised when Chris beats him for gold, and is pleased that Jeremy gets the bronze for a USA podium. He knows his goal was 1500m gold, and the 500m gold was kind of a happy accident, and he's pretty sure the US team is going to rip up the relay, so it's really just great to have American speed-skating looking so good, so that is what he says in the interview, letting Chris have his time to shine. Since he has to stick around for a while, but isn't the one doing a million interviews, JR pulls out his camera, wanting to have some good pics of Chris and Jeremy, but his eye keeps going back to Apolo, who seems different, but still very, very Apolo, approaching his interviews with the same tactics he raced—cutting to what he wants to know right away, easy-going and then as it feels like a wrap up, nailing the interviewee with a tough question about technique, style, rules, or something else. He still gets a focused glint in his eye, is all business when he needs to be, but then between interviews, he snaps him looking tired, more vulnerable than JR has really ever seen him, even in the time they were together, because he is letting it show, lets himself rest in public, stretches and rubs his left knee and hip, the trouble spots of most skaters, like he doesn't care who knows they hurt. He used to care, he used to stretch to show his flexibility and psych others out, and now he seems so much more unguarded. JR wonders if the old Apolo and old JR are even real people anymore, or if they only exist in JR's head.

 

He barely beats Simon in the 1500m, sets a personal best time, and feels free to just celebrate, because now he just has to get through the relays, and they just might be golden. Four Olympic medals, two gold. While he's doing his victory lap he sees Apolo cheering like crazy on the sidelines and feels a sudden rush of affection for him, like he's put away all the things they have been to each other and now can concentrate on the Apolo that was at the last Olympics with him, as the teammate who understood him, and on the Apolo here, who isn't playing games or being weird, is more open and free than JR remembers. He writes Tim that night, asking if he thinks the stress of competition is getting to him, that he would want to forget the pain of his lost teenage years, the loss of his innocence in more than a few ways, or the tears and the puking and the misery he's endured these past months. Is it fucked up to want to get over it or healthy?

 

Tim writes back the next day, reiterating that JR is capable of judging things for himself, but that he is under a lot of stress and may want to sift through these feelings when he has time to think about them and choose what to do with them.

 

They get gold and silver in the relays, and the press all blurs together. He sees Apolo a few more times, they are less guarded but still polite. Then the real marathon begins, and JR is flying from coast to coast going on show after show, interview after interview. Within the first two or three days someone asks how his Canon sponsorship came about, and then every show requests he bring some to show. They seem to expect silly candids, but for the most part are interested in the little character study portfolios he's put together for the different teammates and coaches. The fans love it, getting an intimate peek into how JR sees his teammates. After a couple weeks he gets bored of showing Simon, Chris, and Jeremy and on a whim, while he's in LA, he brings some pictures of Apolo, both from the shoot where they saw each other again, and the Olympics. He brings five, the ones he keeps re-examining, because they seem to be so at odds with the man he fell in love with, but still resonate with him—Apolo letting himself be posed, letting the photographer mold him; Apolo with an actual, warm smile; Apolo with a serious face trying to pop his left hip; Apolo concentrating on an interview, the competitive glint in his eye; Apolo sitting in the empty stands, looking tired and very alone. He tells the interviewer he was interested in the ways Apolo is still the same even off the ice, but what he really means is that the things (attention to detail, charisma, control over his body, desire for the kill, the willingness to give up everything for what he really wanted) that made Apolo a great skater and the self-centered control-freak who fucked JR over maybe have mellowed out into traits that are more human and less super-human.

 

Apolo calls him that night. JR is never sure of phone etiquette when you know who's calling. Should he just say "Hey Apolo." because he knows it's Apolo, or "Hello?" like he doesn't know. When his friends call he always greets them cheerfully, but he isn't sure if he's cheerful about this call. Apolo ends up solving the problem for him because he hit the answer button and then didn't say anything for longer than is normal.

 

"JR? You there?"

 

"Yeah. Um. Hi."

"Simon just sent me the link to the interview you did earlier."

 

Damn Simon, JR thought, why is he so involved in my life without ever acting like he is?

 

JR is tempted to ask which interview, since he did three today, but he's trying to be done with the petty games, and Apolo would only be calling about the pictures of him.

 

"Yeah?" That was as not-petty as he could manage.

 

Apolo let out a frustrated noise, after a pause. "Yeah. I didn't really realize you had taken my picture at that shoot or at the Olympics."

 

JR shrugged at the phone. "Well. That's one of the things I do now. Take pictures. Try to understand what I'm seeing."

 

There is another pause. JR idly thinks that when they were together they hated silence and stillness, they wanted noise and busy-ness, craved stimulation and told each other they just wanted to be the kind of people who did things and understood things and discussed things. Now every time they see or speak to each other it has been silence punctuated with awkward attempts at honesty, and stillness born of an inability to understand how to share space. He wonders if he and Apolo are just both lonely, freaked out people who are too insecure to be real. These stupid stuttering conversations are more real than any of the serious discussions they used to have—JR can't even remember what they talked about that felt so important.

 

"JR. I'm sorry I'm not good at this, you know, I've never really been good at talking about me."

 

JR laughs because he knows what Apolo means, but he can't help the way it sounds.

 

Apolo sighs. "I mean…fuck. I'm messy inside and I don't know how to describe it, so I don't, I just function. It's been better since I retired, I've had more time to sort myself out, what I want, but I'm not used to talking about it."

 

More silence, because JR isn't sure what Apolo wants him to say, and he doesn't actually want to say something that Apolo wants, and since he doesn't really want to respond, he doesn't.

 

"But your pictures kind of got it. I mean, I don't really even know what BS you said about them, but it made me feel like you really see me. Fuck, I don't know."

 

JR can't tell if this is the best or worst conversation they've ever had. He changes the subject. "I only have another week of press and then I think I'm going to go away for a while. Me, my camera, somewhere I can be alone and see things like you said."

 

"I went to Hawaii." Apolo finally says.

"That's nice." JR replies.

 

"No, I mean, after Vancouver, after I burnt myself out doing media and threw myself into projects I wasn't even sure I liked, I went to Hawaii to be alone. I, like, was considering a talk show, I signed contracts to write a book, to make a workout video, to do a reality show, I started a charity—everything people suggested, I did. I told you I spent a few years really just focusing on me, on my last Olympics, and then afterwards, I was alone without goals, and just wanted to do everything because I didn't really want to do anything. Then I burnt out in the summer and had to get away, decide what I was going to do, what I wanted."

 

There's the longest pause yet, and if JR couldn't hear Apolo's steady breathing, he wouldn't be sure if Apolo meant to be on the phone. Finally Apolo speaks again.

 

"I think I realized that summer that I had been really shitty in our relationship. I thought about calling you but I figured it would be better to let you move on. When you called last year I thought I had put it behind me, but you really caught me off guard. So maybe traveling would be really good."

 

JR was tired, laying on his bed, exhausted from smiling, from wearing all his medals, from being primped and brushed. Maybe somewhere away from cities and make up and order.

 

"Yeah. Maybe I'll go to India. Or Peru, see Machu Pichu. Go to Kazakhstan or Tunisia or something." The more he thought about it, the better it sounded to get away by himself. "So what happened after Hawaii?"

 

Apolo sucked it and released a big breath before replying. "I decided to do the book and workout video, and decided I didn't want to be locked into a talk show. I spent a while feeling bad about mistakes I had made. I worked really hard on getting a business set up to run itself so I could work on the charity side of things. I found out what I was passionate about besides winning."

 

JR nodded at the phone. Probably the best conversation they had ever had. He couldn't remember a time Apolo had admitted to making a mistake, even retroactively.

 

"You've changed." He finally says.

 

"Well. I like to think so." A pause. "And you have too. I mean. I'm not sure we really even know each other now."

 

"Yeah."

 

"Um. Well. Maybe I would like to get to know you. If you would like to get to know me. I mean. After you get back from wherever you end up going. Maybe I could take you out to dinner. Go dancing, if you still dance. I'd even let you lead, you're taller than me now." He said it all rushed together, nervously. JR had never heard Apolo sound this unsure. And he knew Apolo was stretching out of his controlling comfort zone, no matter how much less controlling he was now, he still probably liked to drive his own car, listen to his own music, pick out his own restaurants, and dance in his living room to his favorite songs. But maybe he was willing to change. And maybe JR could give him another chance. He could at least think about it.

 

"When I get back. I'll call you. We can at least catch up." JR finally said.

 

"Okay. Well. I'll talk to you then."

 

JR said good night and hung up. He wasn't sure he could forgive Apolo enough to move on and try again with him, but the rage from last fall was definitely gone. And maybe the man who had caused it was mostly gone too. Maybe this new Apolo, who could have done a mind-fuck on him every time they met and didn't, who could have refused to acknowledge he ever did anything wrong and instead kept trying to make amends, who apparently was interested in getting to know him. And date him. Not sneak around and lie to their friends and family; Apolo was trying to be serious.

 

First Nepal. Or whatever. Then he'd see.


End file.
